"I’m not an early adopter. I get people pregnant with ideas, and then put the newest networks, apps and tech buzz up for adoption. Every day I get gadgets sent to me, for free, that would give you a geekgasm. I just made up the word “geekgasm”. I just got a book deal to write “Geekgasm”. On Foursquare, I’m the Mayor of more locations than Mayor McCheese, who is the Mayor of every McDonald’s in the world. And the only reason I let him still be the Mayor of those, is because I would never eat at McDonald’s because I only eat locally-grown sustainable organic food that has been prepared by an artisan.
I’m on the VIP list pretty much everywhere anyone would possibly want to be seen, and if I’m not, I tell them how many Twitter followers I have, and then I am. That’s just how shit works for me. I’ve checked in from every restaurant you’ll never get into. David Chang has a secret seat permanently saved for me at Momofuku Ko. I’ve hung out at one of Kanye’s futuristic robot palaces to eat a ridiculously expensive kind of space ice cream that only astronauts and ‘Ye can get (yeah, I can call Kanye “‘Ye”). Don Draper was based on me, except without my shitload of Twitter followers because Twitter didn’t exist in the ’60s (though if I lived back then, it would have).
I’m Justin Bieber’s swagger coach’s swagger coach.
Even Apple couldn’t design something as beautiful as my life. I’ve got millions of followers and everyone’s my friend. In the time it took you to read this, my content drove bajillions of hits. Today I’ll probably go viral just because I have nothing better to do. I’m not on the Internet, I AM THE INTERNET."
I’m on the VIP list pretty much everywhere anyone would possibly want to be seen, and if I’m not, I tell them how many Twitter followers I have, and then I am. That’s just how shit works for me. I’ve checked in from every restaurant you’ll never get into. David Chang has a secret seat permanently saved for me at Momofuku Ko. I’ve hung out at one of Kanye’s futuristic robot palaces to eat a ridiculously expensive kind of space ice cream that only astronauts and ‘Ye can get (yeah, I can call Kanye “‘Ye”). Don Draper was based on me, except without my shitload of Twitter followers because Twitter didn’t exist in the ’60s (though if I lived back then, it would have).
I’m Justin Bieber’s swagger coach’s swagger coach.
Even Apple couldn’t design something as beautiful as my life. I’ve got millions of followers and everyone’s my friend. In the time it took you to read this, my content drove bajillions of hits. Today I’ll probably go viral just because I have nothing better to do. I’m not on the Internet, I AM THE INTERNET."
